time

yesterday devin told me that she hadnt written in her journal since the 21st

same here

i guess we just get busy, and forget to do the things we say we are going to do

"dont confuse motion for action"

here's a basic rundown of the past week-

me > you

william

William is a very common name. i tried to find out how common, but i didnt get very far.
my grandma's second husband is named Bill. actually, i think Joseph is his real first name, but somehow Bill came out of it. he's a good dude. very mild mannered, very smart. he wrote a book. i have it, kind of read it, but its very big and i didnt get too far.
anyway, every time it rains, i am forced to play this song in my head over and over:
The rain falls hard on a humdrum town
This town has dragged you down
Oh, the rain falls hard on a humdrum town
This town has dragged you down
Oh, no, and everybody's got to live their life
And God knows I've got to live mine
God knows I've got to live mine
William, William it was really nothing
William, William it was really nothing
It was your life ...
i dont know why. it just always plays in my head.

it also reminds me of the Into Another song William:

I understand
Truth lives in a house on the borderland
Love rules the night land
And ghost pirates wait at sea for me
I understand
I understand

its been raining for a couple days, and i could really get used to it.

let down

man, sometimes life is one big let down after another.

maker's

"heaven or heavenless we're all headed for the same sweet darkness"

i've been drinking Maker's Mark lately. i never really liked whiskey before. i think Sean making me drink it with him at the Knitting Factory last summer really changed my mind. i think there is such a stigma or stereotype attached to whiskey, and i guess i never really wanted to be a part of that. i was used to drinking lots of beer before i stopped drinking. PBR and High Life mostly. i have still only been DRUNK once in the past 2 years or so, and that was the aforementioned time with Sean.

I've been reading a lot about the Process Church. listening to some radio interviews about weird occult connections, Manson, etc. The more i listen to what Manson had/has to say, the more i realize that he is actually really smart, has a lot of good stuff to say, and is totally demonized by the world. kind of sad, really.

this week is going to be really busy, and its a shame that its supposed to rain all week. i love the rain, but it does tend to put a damper on things.

lies

ive built a career off of a lie

im not really a nice guy.
im not positive.
i am in a band.
i dont believe in god, in fact i disagree with christianity, and have considered more than once joining the Church Of Satan, but decided that it wasnt worth 200 dollars.
i think im better than most people.
i am a nerd.
i hid who i was because i didnt want to offend people.

i pretended to be someone i wasnt so that i could have a job to pay for my kid. i dont give a fuck about "be nice, or else". i do enjoy helping people, and i do enjoy teaching... mostly because im good at it.

and now, i feel like i wasted half of my life because i didnt wake the fuck up. i know that there is a difference between being fake and just not telling people who you really are, and im having a hard time deciding exactly what i did.

if this seems confusing to you, imagine how i feel.

low places

yesterday was a kind of exciting day.

i got a lot of attention for an article i wrote for STUFF YOU WILL HATE where i talk about Scene hair. and yes, i capitalize that. the ever elusive Sgt. D posted the link on a few different hardcore and Scene sites, and the shit talking ranged from "this guy is a true faggot" to "what a turd" to "jav is a good dude and i wish him luck". but like i said, there is no such thing as bad publicity.

*i started writing this this morning, and i lost the rest of what happened. i guess that reminds me why i have to WRITE SHIT DOWN.

now, im listening to/ watching the footage of Integrity from the show last night in Baltimore, that i would have given almost anything to go to. hopefully i will see them a couple of times this year.

no one

You talk and you fucking talk,
Your bullshit never stops.
You think anyone is afraid, of all those friends you've betrayed?
Who's gonna back you up now?
Alone in your own little crowd,
Thinking you're the one who's in control.
Your stupid shit is getting so old.
No one.
Your words mean nothing to me,
and vengeance, cross me again and we'll see.
You'll be the one to fucking pay.

he was a friend of mine

I am going to burn down the world
I am going to tear down everything that cannot stand alone
I am going to shove hope up your ass
I am going to turn ideals to shit
I am going to reduce everything that stands to rubble
and then I am going to burn the rubble
and then I am going to scatter the ashes
and then maybe someone will be able to see something as it really is
Watch Out

"christian hypocrisy exposed"

found a cool video about the Temple Of Set. gets REALLY good around the 8:40 mark.

let the night roar

"Bullshit, love is the only weapon with which I've got to fight. I've got a whole lot of weapons to fight! I've got my claws, I've got cutlasses, I've got guns, I've got dynamite, I've got a whole lot to fight! I'll fight! I'll fight! I will fight! I will fight! I will fight! I will fight!"

the cage

ive been getting angry a lot lately. annoyed. irritable.
perhaps its the fact that im not working a full time job. i feel restless, anxious.

im still very optimistic about MMIX, about things being better this year. only time will tell, but i feel as though i need to keep going with this momentum i have.
this momentum is leaving people behind, unfortunately. LEAD, FOLLOW, OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY is a good mantra, but should i feel sorry for those who cant keep up? life moves pretty fast, and mine is no exception. if you cant keep up with the way i am and how i am moving, you wont understand. i wish i could say im sorry, but im not.

i dont know if ill be doing much traveling this year, but there are a few places i would like to go. we shall see.

jay kay

it has occurred to me that member of my family may read this at some point.

if this is the case, i assure you family member, that when i say "fuck everyone and/or everything" i most assuredly do not mean you.

missed the boat

yesterday i decided to write about how im going to try and write in this blog every day for the next year.

fail.

yesterday i worked in a salon. i dont know if im going to continue working there, or in what context, but it was cool to get paid for doing hair once again.

i am so busy. i feel like im falling apart a little bit. im so stressed out ive been snapping a lot lately. its not good. maybe i have taken on too much and i just cant handle it. maybe i just need things to straighten out.

either way, i promise that 2010 will be busier than last year, and hopefully better. and maybe ill write more.