in the midst of one of the happiest moments in a man's life, i was reminded about the balance.
people are born, people die
people are healed, people become sick

let down

i guess i was around 12 when i started reading Thrasher Magazine. it was my first real exposure to punk rock, other than watching the cable access channel when the "alternative" video show came on.
i remember very distinctly seeing the Big Black "songs about fucking" album cover, with it's unisex anime person straining mid-coitus, stark colors and generally eye-catching design.
i never once listened to them, not even a second to see what they sound like, until today.
i was actually led to it today by Matt Skiba singing "my head is pounding like a pillow, like a Big Black song"
it made me think, am i missing something? so i did a quick youtube search and actually found a song from the album thats a Kraftwerk cover. how can i go wrong, right?

it kind of reminds me of Joy Division a bit, but i know that at 12 i would not have been ready for this, and at 33 i cant say that i enjoy it very much. maybe some of the other songs are better, i dont know and im probably not going to find out.

into the sunset

on saturday morning i sold my car
i googled "cash 4 cars", called the first one, checked its credentials, and talked to a sales guy via an instant messenger type deal on the site. a week later, they called me, and i was waiting on the title to be mailed from my mom. two days later i called the dude, and within two hours he was at my car.
he cruised around a lot, took pics, started it up, and offered me four 100 dollar bills.
i accepted.

it was hard to accept that i basically just sold my car for roughly 11,600 less than i paid for it, over the course of eight years.
what was harder was taking all the stickers off, cleaning all the shit out of the glovebox, etc.

im now the proud owner of a 2002 Hyundai Accent, license plate XERICAX

apache

i was watching No Reservations yesterday morning. i really like that show.
he was in LA, and one of the first things he talked about was that people in southern california spend a lot of their time in their car. your car becomes an extension of you. it takes on a personality. it becomes a friend.a companion.

my car is no longer working. ive had it since 2000. ten summers. it has 209,000 miles on it. at one time, each of those miles meant something. we went places. good places, bad places, necessary places, fun places, stupid places.

i miss its smell. its inconveniences. its familiarity. its safety. its danger. its unreliability.

its kind of a perfect metaphor for a relationship- for better or for worse. you accept and treasure someone, even if some of the things they do arent "perfect".

i miss my car.

"even if i did believe"

If I had undeniable proof of the existence of Yahweh, aka Jehovah, aka Adonai, aka El Shaddai, aka Yahweh Elohim, the father of Jesus and the ancient leader of the Semitic peoples, I still would not worship the bastard. If an angel appeared to me and removed my appendectomy scar so I could never deny the reality of divine power, I still would not be a Christian. My primary reason for not being a Christian has nothing to do with my lack of belief in their god. My primary reason is that the Bible is a disgusting book describing the behavior of a god without the morality of the average high school student.

That God does what he wants, when he wants, without even an attempt at self-justification, and all for what reason? According to Paul, all for his own greater glory. For his own glory he condemns billions to eternal torment, drowns millions of innocent beasts and thousands of children, orders the slaughter of entire cities down to the last man, woman, and child, creates a race that he knows is flawed and will hurt itself, refuses to deal with any other god on a friendly basis, rains doom on those who dare to try to be as knowledgable as he is, and so on.
~Tim Maroney

dead shell

the pain of life is great
and some will find it sweet
to the rot beneath the earth
while we rot
and live
and breathe
in this sick fucking world never did i forget
existence is fucking pain
and there is beauty in death

it was painfully obvious to everyone, except her, that he was a homosexual.
as she danced like a Peanuts character, swaying like a flower child... drawing closer to him, going in for a kiss- only to have him pull away or make a face like he was smelling brussell sprouts for the first time, i felt sad for her.
then, i got really annoyed because she wouldnt stop dancing.
he knew every word. made up dances to go with the songs.
he told her he wanted some water, and she nodded longingly. wishing he would drink her.
the night most assuredly ended in disappointment. for him, for her.

6. Tyrannical toward himself, he must be tyrannical toward others. All the gentle and enervating sentiments of kinship, love, friendship, gratitude, and even honor, must be suppressed in him and give place to the cold and single-minded passion for revolution. For him, there exists only one pleasure, on consolation, one reward, one satisfaction – the success of the revolution. Night and day he must have but one thought, one aim – merciless destruction. Striving cold-bloodedly and indefatigably toward this end, he must be prepared to destroy himself and to destroy with his own hands everything that stands in the path of the revolution.

im a big fan of showing people that you dont need fancy, expensive equipment to make something beautiful. all of these photos were taken with my iphone. granted, i paid .99 cents for an application to make them look "cool", but im very passionate about showing that its more about the SUBJECT, the circumstances, and the eye than about the technique and technicality of a shot.
some people may look at my "work" and dismiss it, but these are interesting to me, and thats one of the most important aspects of art in my opinion, for it to be captivating and interesting.


taking down the ferris wheel, oc fair, 645am

bathroom wall in the kitchen of the salon. had a bunch of shitty records, and an empty wall.

random chair

inside the cooler at Commissary Lounge

ice machine

centennial farm, costa mesa

southern california

sad.

"However, while all these albums were regarded as solid efforts, Hayes was no longer selling large numbers. He and his wife were forced into bankruptcy in 1976, as they owed over $6 million. By the end of the bankruptcy proceedings in 1977, Hayes had lost his home, much of his personal property, and the rights to all future royalties earned from the music he'd written, performed, and produced."

helicopter

bloc party is one of my favorite bands. i love his voice, i think the music is interesting.
ive only seen them once. it was the first show of their first us tour, at the glasshouse. crazy.
the drummer is funny to watch. he looks like he should be making science experiments or something.

this video is from their first television appearance apparently, on jools holland.

what do you think, chip?

its getting harder and harder to find inspiration

little things draw my amaze me-
the way a tree looks against the sky.
the way a sign post looks buried in the rocks.
the way a child's natural hair color looks richer than any tube can produce.
the way a group of guys can stand on stage and blow me away without touching a string or drum.
the way a girl and a guy in a studio are more powerful than any orchestra.
the way sounds can be produced and recorded without stepping into an actual recording studio.
the way i can find a way to make it through each day without smashing everything i see.

one of my favorite punk songs. the whole record is really good.

cheesegrater has a bunch of good Stitches stories. i think i only saw them once, with Guttermouth at this place called the Butt Cave in 1993.

i was thinking the other day about when we used to walk down 17th street with Dead America. how i burned an American flag and safety pinned it to my camo shorts. and how a few months later i was drawing a fist with an X on it on my hoodie with fabric markers. how we dug a giant 6 and 7 in the McCluers backyard. riding in the old bug to the Ice House.

ive had a pretty fun life.

vii mmx

sons ov nort-ern darknesssss

awake

the cure

drum roll

found this on Bastard Squad (he's usually ahead of the game) and its a pretty interesting song and video.

why am i still surprised at how shitty a person can be?

i went to the salon yesterday at 645pm, just to check on things. i found that a lot of stuff was stolen and that people tried to sabotage things. people who were nice to my face. people that i was not mean, nasty, or rude to. people who i gave a fair chance.

i feel so let down.

but the only thing i can do is keep moving forward, and know that success is the best revenge.

dear special K,

fuck you.

i have been trying to do this special k diet for two weeks now. you know, a bowl of special k for breakfast, a bowl for lunch, and a sensible dinner.

i dont think ive ever been so hungry in my entire life. every cell in my body is screaming for food.

ive been "working out" for about a half hour every morning. and when i say working out i mean using the Wii Fit. yeah, laugh. fuck off. its a good option for me. i do 20-30 minutes a morning, which means i have to wake up around 6 in order to get it done before i get devin up for the day. its fun, and there are no sweaty douchebags around.

ive had less than a Coke a day. i still need caffeine, and im not willing to cut it 100% right now, so i usually drink a monster or some of a coke. its better than what i WAS drinking. ive been drinking 2 or 3 liters of water a day now, which is a lot better.

all i can think about is food though. it didnt help that i watched a MAN VS. FOOD marathon last week. it sucks because i really love food.

i guess i can say that i kind of feel better, not eating so much junkfood. not snacking on shitty foods, snacking on carrots or string cheese or something besides cheetos and cookies.

i hope the craving will go away soon. or maybe it will always be there. maybe it will be like how alcoholics crave alcohol. i guess im a food addict.

my soul is uploaded

bought a macbook pro last week with the intention of designing ads and other stuff for the new salon. i feel like a one eyed asian lady riding a unicycle while high.

i think im getting the hang of things but its fucking hard. i have such a higher respect for people good at design now.

back in tha day

the nameless dread

180

i went to work with the lyrics to BREAK UP THE FAMILY in my head. i dont really know how to describe what i was feeling except "meloncholy".
tonight at work changed that. saw a lot of good, old friends. saw a dude i havent talked to in the better part of a decade.
im tired. so very tired.

top 5 favorite Wu Tang songs. in order.

number one- UZI (pinky ring)
holy fuck, when Ghostface comes in, it sounds like hes gonna tear your fucking face off. that horn loop is insane too.

number two- gravel pit
at :29, when the cave-babes are shaking their tatas to the beat, is amazing.
"im the motherfuckin hot mix"

number 3- nuthin to fuck with
this was back when they were super grimey. i also like that the video introduces everyone.

number 4- reunited
i just think its a great way to open an album. ol dirty's verse is pretty dope too.

number 5- c.r.e.a.m.
again, the first album was so dirty and grimey. the hook is incredible, and everyone's verse is awesome. plus, dirty's singing adds such character


jesse gonna be mad that i didnt include Triumph, but i stand by my choices.

gone

the other night, half of my toenail fell off. i was walking around at work and i felt something in my shoe. i took it off and looked at my toes and half of the pinky toenail had cracked off, lengthwise. no blood, no pain. just gone.

i miss my family. working long, late hours has made things a little hard. my kid asks me not to go to work sometimes. even though its only like an hour from her bedtime, i dont think she understands. but im doing this to make money, so that we can move into a bigger house sooner than later. im doing it to take care of her, and erica.

and its not going to get any easier, in fact it will only get harder in the months to come as i will be working more and more.

despite all of this, im not depressed. the only thing im not too stoked on is my weight. ive battled with body issues since 7th grade. up and down and up and down. i dont watch what i eat, i work in a bar, and i dont exercise. so yeah, im probably going to gain a few pounds. the hardest part of that is that im too big for medium shirts and too small for large shirts. and for some reason, all of the weight is right around my mid section. my pants still fit fine, its just my shirts. oh well. time to hit the Wii Fit.

nights like these

i hate nights like these. its been a while.

life has been so fucking hectic. maybe thats why right now i feel fucking terrible.

its 2:34 am. i just got home from work. working at a bar. opening beer bottles and pouring wine and making shots of soju mixed with cranberry juice and vermouth. chopping fruit to make sangria.

maybe its the fact that ive been up since 645am
maybe its the fact that i walked away from working for 6 hours with 81 dollars
maybe its the fact that im so stressed out about the other stuff happening in my life

either way, when i walked to my car tonight, it felt like someone was looming over me, pressing on my shoulders, forcing me to walk slower. like a gulag. like a lamb to the slaughter. like a kid walking back to his first day of school. like a criminal to the gallows.

"tired sick and hating"

give me sleep.

apache

holy fuck

blood and thunder

busy. busy. busy.

not sleeping. as if i didnt have enough to do, picked up another night at the bar. that makes three nights and one day. plus working the store a couple days a week. i mean... its not doing what i love, or what im "good at". but im picking up bartending. its more than just opening bottles and pouring drinks. im actually trying to make up "new" or at least new-to-our-bar drinks. having a limited license, we have to get creative.

i was told that my sangria is better than Habana's. that's like telling me my band is better than Gorilla Biscuits.. meaning, a place that's been around longer and is "known" for something. win.

im fucking tired though. that's not really anything new, and i spent many many years working 8am-3am basically, but i guess i wasnt used to it. my shoulders hurt, my knees hurt.

i downloaded over 1000 songs in 3 days. mostly old hip hop, to play at bar.

i have quoted this before, but basically this line sums up my life on a constant basis-

"things change these days in such quick, cruelly absurd ways"

i dont know that i could have written words that embody what i struggle with on my own. and while the author of that line bums me out more and more, i still hold on to those words.

ive got some skin

i cant watch this fucking video without getting goose bumps. ive always thought that Amy Pickering kind of ruined songs when she sings on them, but this one is ok. i would honestly probably be crying if i saw this in real life.


on the old ALL OVER THIS TOWN, i made a large post about Fugazi. one of my absolute all time favorite bands.
i used to listen to this song EVERY day when i woke up


and i dunno if this is supposed to be a love song, but the first part has some of the purest, sweetest lyrics ive ever read

the motherfuckin answer

so, love them or hate them, you have to give respect to Die Antwoord.
real or fake, whatever. they are people who are having fun and making something fucking creative and making people take notice. i might not like 100% of the SONGS, but i am 100% behind what they are doing.

endress brockades

a history lesson

please take 20 minutes out of your day, and learn something.


yeah, im still on my d&b high. its like finding an old toy you forgot you loved.

ready or not

i remember in like.. 1996, 1996... sitting alone at night, recording drum and bass off of the radio. the station was 103.1, i dont remember the call letters... i held on to those tapes for as long as possible. Hype, Flux, Rinse and Spin, Aphrodite.. then on to buying cds from Roni Size and Dieselboy. prolly didnt know i was major into d&b back in the day. me and Drew been bumpin that shit lately.
enjoy this. keep an open mind. would be amazing in the salon.

i wanna meet Brad

gotta get in touch with my inner redneck

fight fair

today i cut 4 dudes from FIGHT FAIR's hair. pretty cool.


the end.

im dead im dead im dead

seriously? amazing. truly.

strawberry switchblade

null

3.27

When you do the things you need to do when you need to them, the day will come when you will be able to do the things you want to do when you want to do them.

~Zig Ziglar

public file upload

i found my new favorite website

http://www.aww-kittah-aww.com/up/pupload/

its basically like a very anonymous photobucket. an image hosting site, except everyone can see whats hosted.

ive probably spent a good few hours in the last week or so, just looking at page after page of the most random stuff possible.

theres lots of boobs, lots of memes and lolz, but then theres like, car parts and houses and people just hanging out. the nudie pics are sometimes real, but generally very amateur, which makes them more funny than erotic to me.

there is an occasional mutilated body, but its rare. oh and a few penises here and there. but it cant be 100% good i guess.

anyway, browse and laugh. i promise, if youre bored its worth it.

just do it

one nation, going under

fuck the universe

million man march

3.21

33

today im 33. erica asked how it felt, and i told her it felt like 27. that comparison is completely arbitrary, but its kinda true. it doesnt "feel" any different.

i used to hate my birthday. i hated the thought of getting older. now, it doesnt really matter. it is what it is. all is one.

week end

farewell to the fairground

glass as an instrument

first france, now canada

so, some asshole that i sold a stupid Original Fake hat to messaged me on ebay, saying that he never received the item.
i scanned the fucking customs form, having learned my lesson the FIRST time this happened, and the dude decided to STFU, which made me think he was just trying to scam me. people suck, especially people from other countries.
so, today, i got a message from paypal, saying 46 dollars has been taken from my account.
the dude messaged me again, saying
Hey, still no beanie, i only opened a case because it's been more than a month since i made payment and if i waited much longer it would be to late to open a case, as soon as the beanie arrives i'll close the case, it's just the numbers you sent me were of no help, and i have had sellers give me fake/bogus tracking #'s before, so i hope you understand, dont take it personal it's just the item i bought has yet to arrive.

well, i do take it "personal" because i sent the item. unfortunately for everyone, there is no tracking on international items, so anyone can say they didnt get their shit. its just that now you can file claims and disputes about it instead of just being disgruntled.

i provided all information to paypal. if i lose this case, not only will i be considerably irate, but i will probably cease shipping overseas unless they message me asking "pretty please". literally.

fuck france, and now fuck canada.

invasion

ive been listening to Skrewdriver a lot

i am starting to think i wont find a job in a salon. and that makes me sad, but im ok.

this week has been really fucked up and tiring.

KKK MMX

ok, its funny to say racist stuff sometimes. i laugh at a good racist joke.
but to really see what some people believe? its fucking unreal.
if anyone is a plague on america, it was white people.

expectations

i try not to expect too much. i hate being let down.

i read about some band, how good and cool it was, and so i downloaded it.
it sucked.

ive been trying not to expect too much out of people. ive been trying not to expect too much out os situations. to not put all my eggs in one basket, to trust, to hope.

its not working out so well.

where did you sleep last night

i remember when Nirvana first came out. i remember the first time i saw the video for SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT. i had just gotten done with a gnar skate sesh at an elementary school in Costa Mesa, and went back to my friend Van's house for refreshments (thats a whole other story. not the refreshments part, but being friends with Van). we turned on MTV and suddenly, there was an explosion. keep in mind, this was like the summer going into 9th grade, in 1991. sure, there was punk and we liked to jam on Dead Kennedys and DYS tapes while we shredded the gnar, but this was different. as Kurt later put it, "teenage angst has paid off well"
and then a few years later, they did this MTV Unplugged thing. i thought it was awesome. in fact, i recorded it onto video cassette.
i used to watch it over and over and over. its not like they were my favorite band in the world, but i could somehow sense that what he was saying was "important", at least to him. i dont even know how to describe it.
i remember the end of the song "where did you sleep last night", right before Kurt goes into the last chorus, there is a break. his eyes get really wide and it looks like he is really struggling to get the word "night" out. that image is forever burned into my mind.
pay close attention starting at the 4:40 mark.

and just for extra credit, here's the original Lead Belly version

love

im a ninja

MMIX

2009 was probably the worst year of my life.

i took a job that i didnt want to, because devin had to move in with me full time. but thats what being a parent and being responsible is about, right? making sacrifices for your happiness in order to take care of your family? my grandma told me that her husband had worked a job for over 30 years that he hated every single day, but he knew he had to do it. i never, ever want that to happen to me or anyone i love.
i remember leaving the job interview, and my eyes welling up in tears. i was so disappointed before it even begun.
i began working at the school in Huntington Beach (ive decided to leave the names of the establishments and certain people, just in case. i have asked my team of lawyers what exactly constitutes slander, just to cover my ass) on October 28th, 2008. it wasnt so bad at first, except for the completely incompetent director and scary as fuck looking freshman teacher. the shopping center that the school was in was only 5.5 miles from my house, and had a variety of food places and stores within walking distance, including an awesome record store and pizza place.
i was the only teacher for about 30 juniors and seniors, people who had between 400 and 1600 hours. i was to take roll, teach theory, class, and be 100% responsible for their education. i also had to order supplies.
within my first couple weeks, i had a run in with a client that the director of the school didnt back me up on. the client was mad, backed me into a corner and got in my face. she was probably about 70 years old. she was wrong, i was right, and the director awarded her a free service.
i had many run ins with the freshman teacher, who looked a little like Lucious Malfoy, and a little like a burn victim and acted like part of her brain had been destroyed in that fire (or by a spell gone wrong). tensions between us escalated to a boiling point a couple of times, which resulted in me being written up, but i may get into that later.
the director was taking care of two campuses, and it was clear that our campus was not her priority, and eventually she left. the job of director was not offered to any other employees, but was instead awarded to a woman that she had worked with before at a different school (not a beauty school, neither woman had any experience in this field), who shall henceforth be referred to as The Elephant. not because she was large, but because of something she once said, and because its funny. i was upset that i was not afforded the opportunity to become director, which is the position that i had initially applied for, mainly because of the pay. a director of a beauty school makes over 50K a year, as opposed to the 19 per hour which i was hired at (and was told that i was being hired at a significantly higher rate than usual).
yes, that's right. i know someone who works in the back room at apple. he makes 18 an hour. one dollar an hour less, to carry computers around, than someone who is responsible for the future of over 30 people.
anyway, the Elephant came on board, and it was fine and dandy for a couple of weeks. then, all of the sudden, she became a monster. a huge raging bitch who was on a mission to take everyone down. nobody was safe from her wrath, and she continuously talked shit behind other employee's backs to other employees. she told me repeatedly that she wished The Burn Victim would just quit so she wouldnt have to fire her, and told others repeatedly that it was her mission to get me fired.
at some point in the year, i was called upon to go to a haircutting training. there was to be a team of teachers from across the company, whos job it would be to teach everyone else this new haircutting curriculum that they had come up with.
now, this is going to sound like some serious ego masturbation, but its 100% the truth.
halfway through the first day, after i had spent the morning challenging the person who was teaching the class about every aspect of their new curriculum, i was called into the office with another guy whom i had known from san diego (we will call him Loose Cannon), to tell us that we were the only people on the team, about 12-16 people, who had any clue about hair cutting, and that after this "training", we would be the only people to continue on with re-writing the curriculum and training the rest of the fools.
that night, Loose Cannon went out for some drinks with the rest of the team, and they sensed that something was up, and expressed their displeasure and annoyance at my constant challenging and know-it-all attitude about hair cutting. Loose Cannon got drunk and told everyone that they didnt know shit, that the company was shit, and other offensive and supposedly anti-gay statements.
he was a liability, and let go a couple of days later, but the fact that i had known him became a millstone around my neck.
within 2 months, every other person except 2 on that team had quit the company.
i was asked to travel to Bell two to three days a week, to work on the haircutting curriculum, and to devise new curriculum for hair color and freshman classes. i spent a couple months driving back and forth, 35 miles and 45-60 minutes EACH way. sitting in an office, heated discussions about dynamics of hair, lots of googling. i probably downloaded 2000+ songs sitting in those offices, because i had lots of free time.
now, this entire time i was still receiving 19 dollars an hour. no bonus for writing something that would effect an entire company. i asked for a raise, and they couldnt afford one, but reminded me that i was earning an extra 100 or so dollars a paycheck as a result of travel, which hardly covered gas.
at one point, i was asked to teach a class in City Of Industry to people who were teacher trainees. i was to devise a haircut and teach it to them, then asses which people would be good candidates for working at corporate. one person out of about 30 had any sort of clue. this person would eventually be brought on the corporate education team.
back at HB, things were getting heated. i seriously HATED going to work every day. i began to bring my laptop, sit in the corner and watch youtube videos and download music for hours. when The Elephant would come over i would act like i was looking at Hair Brained or something educational. things got so bad that there was eventually a meeting between me and The Elephant, in which i started YELLING at her, telling her that i hated working for her and she had no clue, etc. she sat there and took it.
a week or so later, we had a meeting between all of the teachers, in which The Burn Victim started talking shit to me and telling me to shut up. i got up and walked out, and was later written up for both instances and told that one more outburst and i would be fired. the write ups were fucking ridiculous, but i went along with it because i needed a job.
back at corporate, i expressed interest in a position as Creative Director for the company. i wanted to move up, i wanted to grow, i wanted out of HB. i drew up plans to build an in-house photography studio because 100% of the images that this company used are purchased, there is nothing created BY the company. it was shot down.
when i would ask about a future permanent position with corporate education, i was never given a direct answer. i think that the outbursts at my home campus, joined with the fact that i was generally viewed as a liability because i didnt hold my opinions in, held me back.
i eventually told them, if you cannot guarantee me a position, and a raise, then i will have to step down. they never replied. the director of education repeatedly ignored my requests for an answer. i had to call the human relations department to complain not only about the treatment that i was receiving from The Elephant, but now from the Director Of Education for the entire company.
the haircutting curriculum that i worked on for MONTHS was eventually butchered down to a few pages, and no plans for pictures or videos to go along with this came to fruition. at one point, it could have rivaled the training provided by other, larger, more prestigious schools in southern california, but the company fucking blew it.
The Elephant gave most of the employees a sub-par job review in or around september. i know that my attitude wasnt the best, but NOBODY could fuck with the content of my classes, yet i was scored an overall 2.5 out of 5, which meant that i didnt even meet company standards. at least 3 or 4 other employees sent complaints to HR and corporate about our reviews.
one morning the Regional Director came in, and within 10 minutes the Elephant was gone. fired.
they brought in another director to smooth things out, to "whip the school into shape" which actually consisted of fucking nearly everyone over in SO many ways.
two weeks before my one year anniversary with the company, i decided to leave. i was fucking through. i gained access to some money that i could use to live on until i found a new job, but i was just fucking done with that company. such a fucking disappointment. i really had aspirations of turning the company around, of making NOT the fucking Pee Wee Herman of the beauty school world, but in my opinion the only thing the company cared about was growing in numbers, and not having the education to back it up. there is no creativity, no soul.
i did have some good times at that school. i was allowed to be as creative as i wanted with some hair, i got to fuck around a lot, try crazy science and hair experiments, and i learned a fucking LOT. i learned a lot by asking questions, by stepping outside the box and by constantly challenging what they teach to us as "truth". 10 vol + 30 vol does NOT equal 20 vol.

as i mentioned in a previous post, i have had a sort of "awakening" and realized that i have been forced to act like someone im not for years. thats what you do when you have certain jobs, you have to act like someone youre not. sure, people can smell an asshole from a mile away, and no matter how much cologne i put on they would still know that im not NICE.
by the way, someone who read my part about "be nice, or else" contacted me, and informed me that only people with a BE NICe attitude were allowed to work at their company. what a fucking JOKE. anyone who knows anything about the inside of THAT company knows that its just as FUCKED as any other, if not more. they only thing that keeps them going is the name behind it and the fact that they have some talented people on board. but talented people tend to be the worst characters. just saying.

since october 31st, i have not had a job. its been hard.
the past two months i have been talking to someone about taking an existing rental salon, and turning into a commission based, education oriented salon. yesterday, that dream was shot down and im now at square one.

do i still want to do hair? yes.
do i think that there is a place in orange county for me to do what i want to? i dont know. honestly. i dont know if anyone would be on board with my crazy fucking plans to promote a salon, and the ideas i have for a salon culture.
have i looked very hard? no. why? because i feel like i know what is out there. why the fuck would Christopher Perry or Toni and Guy hire me? because im talented? sure, talent is great, but it only gets you so far. after 10 years im not as willing to sit up and beg, to roll over, to play by everyone's rules.

could i create the most successful, creative salon culture that orange county has ever seen? yes. i may be deluded in think so, but i truly believe that my ideas could fucking BLOW AWAY any that have come before me. and i truly believe that starting something new is the only way that i will be both happy and successful, not by trying to fight against what somebody else already has. is that foolish? to be so stubborn about my beliefs? maybe.

so what's stopping me? money. i have none, and nobody else really does either. whos gonna throw 50,000 dollars my way? who has that right now?
i have the momentum, i have the ideas, i have the drive. but it wont last. i know it. soon, i will be jaded and angry and broke.

if youre reading this, and you think you can help, or would just like to share something with me, email me.
alloverthistown13@gmail.com

2/10

time

yesterday devin told me that she hadnt written in her journal since the 21st

same here

i guess we just get busy, and forget to do the things we say we are going to do

"dont confuse motion for action"

here's a basic rundown of the past week-