fuck french people

so this dude is claiming he never received his fucking fred perry jacket
so he makes a claim on paypal instead of ebay
im out 25 bucks
i cant confirm delivery because its international
paypal customer service says im assed out
emails to the fucking piece of shit frog get bounced back

fuck everyone and everything

the end

almost then end of a year, and a decade.

2009 was one of the worst years of my life.

i am going to write a huge post about how shitty my last job was. i wasnt going to, for fear of legal ramifications, but part of my legal staff assured me that it would take a LOT for someone to prove slander against me. i will just change some names, and will tell the world how shitty Marinello is.

just added a new blog, and as Travis Smith said "oh hey guys im adding my 9th blog which i will only update every two months". idiot. i created a Mistake blog, because i am sick of not remembering a fucking thing that happens with that band. im constantly being told of things that happened, and was either too drunk or just didnt care to notice.
www.whatwedoisshitty.blogspot.com

1 2 3 4

banquet

two of my favorite bands (or whatever you want to call The Streets)
this is a really interesting story. Mike stole a mic when he was doing a radio show, made a record with it, then gave it back when he felt it was the right thing to do. the song is built off of a sample of the Bloc Party song Banquet. it was only made available on the cd single of the song Two More Years.
the video just adds an extra layer to the story, and its always interesting to see people "off their face"

no desire

prepare to be fucking annihilated

death/ animal

im not sure when this turned into a video blog, but it seems to be the only way i can express what is interesting to me right now.


two songs are getting heavy play in my life right now. on my itunes, my ipod, and in my head.

the first is a band that Tara turned me onto called White Lies. this song DEATH i guess was featured in the movie Jennifer's Body. i downloaded that soundtrack because there is an exclusive Panic At The Disco Song on it, and White Lies kinda slipped by me, but Tara said it would be up my alley, and guess what it sure is.
They kind sound like Interpol i guess, but more catchy.. and kinda like Editors but less morose. Tara said its really depressing, but if i want depressing ill listen to Mogwai or Death In June.
This song DEATH is probably the most memorable on the album, but i find myself listening to LOSE MY LIFE a lot. the song E.S.T. was featured in the show Dirty Sexy Money, much to my surprise.

i chose to present the live version of the video because i love live versions. you get to see more of what the band is really like.

the second song that has been my obsession for a couple of MONTHS now is by a band called Miike Snow. yes, there are supposed to be two i's in the name. they are from Sweden, and have apparently only been a band for like 2 years.
the song ANIMAL instantly caught my attention. the almost ska-like up stroke on the keyboards, the dude's awesome voice, and the almost carnival drum line.
i was instantly bummed when i saw what the band looked like.
ive heard a few live versions of this song, and they are always like 2 minutes longer than the album version, and always different, which to me shows that these dudes are real ARTISTS and are concerned with making music live, not just replicating their songs in a live environment for the sake of their listeners.

this version of the song/ video is awesome because they are in the fucking WOODS. there are only three dudes in the band, the Jason Patrick looking singer dude, the keyboard guy with the shitty moustache and total Newport-hipster looking hair, and the drummer. killer matching jackets, too.
whatever. i guess i can overlook their appearance and just listen to the music. the whole album is really good, some electro parts in it, lots of pop flair, and passion.

1,000 dances

more boyd rice

"electronic music seems intrinsically white" is kind of a confusing sentence to me, but here we go

people

pierrot the clown

Pierrot The Clown

more pulp videos

lipgloss

awesome parenting

youre gonna miss me

denial is a river in egypt

GlassJaw is playing next week. Thursday at the Glasshouse.
on ticketmaster.com, the price for two tickets, which normally cost 25 each, was 74.60 because of service charges.
we figured we could go to the Glasshouse box office and get them for the face price.
well, we lagged and didnt go until tonight, 5 days before the show.

it was sold out.

so we had to get tickets for the Mayan, the night before.

moral of the story: you snooze you lose. dont hesitate.

its just a tango, but its not easy to show. i walk around with my horns out now, but its not easy to show that i
am
going
under

screaming "no, no, no, no no"

all i want to do is see you

on the edge of a cliff

i love The Streets.



check out mike's BLOG. its a really good read.

need

"oh, i need to write about that"

i find myself saying that to myself almost every day.

obviously, its not happening.

chesterfield king

fleas

ive got fleas. it sucks.

the best part is that i dont own any animals.

the boy with the thorn in his side

i obviously havent been writing in my blog.

words dont really interest me right now. images, thoughts, creation.. this is whats in my world. i wanna see movies of my dreams.

ive randomly been thinking about this girl i went to high school with. probably havent talked to her since 10th grade, so maybe 1992. why would i be thinking of this person? we were great friends, no romance involved. just really good friends. we talked on the phone every night, hung out, etc. i dont know what happened, but one day she was just gone.

here today, gone tomorrow.

whos gonna save my soul?

Flava in your ear

one of my favorite hip hop songs ever. heres a couple different versions.

VS x Warhol

lets all meet up in the year 2000

a movie script ending

there are some songs that can make a moment in a movie that much more amazing. like, the scene in Royal Tenenbaums when Margot steps off the bus and Velvet Underground starts playing? or the last scene in Good Will Hunting when Elliot Smith takes you in to the sunrise?

ive always thought that "talking shit about a pretty sunset" would be a good song to put in a movie... when someone is driving in the rain or something.

i think the new WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE is one of the best uses of a song to go with a movie ive ever seen. the Arcade Fire song "wake up" fits perfectly... evokes emotion, compliments the imagery... makes me that much more excited to see the movie and actually made me like the band more.

i remember seeing the test footage of the movie and being stoked out of my mind, but this trailer made me more excited.

now i just need to download this version of the song...

i choose you

comabox

i havent had cable in close to 3 years. i dont watch regular television, unless for some reason im at Erakuh's house.

everything i watch is on DVD, which means what me and my family takes in is totally under my control.

i do enjoy watching tv programs on dvd though. watching Big Love season 1 right now.

i miss food network, discovery channel and travel channel, the more "educational" crap. maybe someday. but right now, its an unnecessary cost.

reminds me sometimes of the Econochrist song, "comabox"~

NATION OF SHEEP AWAKE BUT ASLEEP
COMATOSE
SPONSORED BY THE COMABOX
WORK ALL DAY WATCH THE PROGRAM BY NIGHT
NATION OF MILLIONS THAT IS DEVOID OF THOUGHT
SITTING WITH THE COMABOX
DREAMING WITH THE COMABOX
DROWNING WITH THE COMABOX
PROGRAMMED BY THE COMABOX

hidden charms

listening to itunes dj. the gories, damnation ad, collin melloy.. pretty good stuff

talking to AJ about Grandma's Boy Studios

cooking crab stuffed mushrooms

fathers day

the last time i hung out with my dad for longer than an hour was in 1993. he took me, along with his girldfriends asshole kids to the san diego wild animal park.

in 1996 i saw him in a hotel room in Albuquerque, NM. i was visiting my grandma for Thanksgiving. he was driving from somewhere to his home in Yuma. it was 8 in the morning. he knocked on the door. i let him in. before my eyes even adjusted to the lights, he gave me 15 twenty dollar bills and told me he had to get on the road.

spoke to him one night in 2002 as i drove home on the 5 South. i informed him that he would have a grandchild soon, and that i wouldnt mind getting some extra help financially to start off. he said he would be glad to help. i didnt hear from him for a couple of years.

in 2003 my uncle, his brother Hender died. i went out to Temecula for the funeral service. my mom drove down from Visalia, as she had been a friend of Hender's as well.

on my right was my dad, next to him his girlfriend. on my left, my mom. i think it was the first time id sat between them since they split up, when i was 2.

after the service, i said bye to everyone.

i havent spoken to my father since then.

the gories

i used to care too much about music.

read: i was very closed minded about new music.
i grew up listening to "classic" rock (zeppelin, sabbath, beatles, etc.), started listening to hiphop around 12, punk around 14, and hardcore by 15. from then on, it really took a lot for me to open my mind to new music, especially different genres. i got really into drum and bass for a while, really into hiphop again for a while.. etc.

a month or so ago, i downloaded the Mummies singles bundle that Cheesegrater posted on the Some Dudes blog, and since then my mind has been more open to garage rock/ older rock and roll, etc. ive had an interest in bands like mc5 and shit like that for a while, but nothing really lo-fi.

while looking for new music, i found this gem. heres the description that got me hooked:
Poured from a deep vein of raw garage-rock sewage with a John Lee Hooker chaser, this Detroit trio (which, like New York's kindred A-Bones, had a woman beating its skins) made no pretense of instrumental skill or audio fidelity on its records. (The group did, however, go in for annotation. The first album's insert offers such inspiring song explanations as this, by way of "Boogie Chillun": "This was one of the first songs we ever learned, because it only has three notes. When we first started, any songs with more than nine notes in it was usually too complicated for us.") Intuitive geniuses plugged in but still making their way in the dark, guided only by pure and knowledgeable rock'n'roll spirit, the unabashed Gories — Mick (vocals, lead guitar), Dan Kroha (vocals, rhythm guitar) and Peggy O'Neill (drums) — were both (and equally) horrible and great, their elemental wretchedness pure and unvarnished. Those who expect anything approaching professionalism should stay away, but if the words "bad" and "junk" are words of praise in your vocabulary, then dig right into the Gories. No refunds allowed.

heres a video of the awesomeness:


and heres a link to download it
http://rs233.rapidshare.com/files/115149543/Houserockin_-The_Gories.zip

suck it.

6/6/09

ache

hi im jav (12:49:45 PM): its gonna be amazing
caseagainstdan (12:49:54 PM): the last time i think i even heard a jawbreaker cd i was 14.
caseagainstdan (12:49:58 PM): haha.
caseagainstdan (12:50:10 PM): the first girl i ever met that liked anal sex liked jawbreaker.
caseagainstdan (12:50:30 PM): she was older than me and creeped me the fuck out because she was drunk at this kid james
caseagainstdan (12:50:35 PM): james's house and told me she liked anal.
caseagainstdan (12:50:46 PM): i was straightedge, a virgin, and terrified.
caseagainstdan (12:51:09 PM): she was one of those halfgoth girls. didn't go as far as painting her face white, but kinda had a jane from daria vibe.
caseagainstdan (12:51:36 PM): ::end story::
hi im jav (12:52:08 PM): im gonna post this on my blog, ok?
caseagainstdan (12:52:17 PM): sure.

back to the old house part 3

my family didnt have a dryer until i was in 8th grade. a clothes dryer. we had a clothes line. it was about 6 feet tall, with 4 concentric smaller squares of rope. we put the wet clothes up with clothes pins.

in the winter, when it was snowing outside, we had to dry the clothes on a rack situated over the heater that was built into the floor between the two bedrooms. it was in a 3 foot deep rectangular hole in the floor, and had an orange glowing light that i always thought was a flame.

our clothes were always stiff and crispy, because we obviously didnt have dryer sheets.

my mom didnt buy white bread. i think the first time i had wonder bread i was about 19. i wasnt allowed "fun" cereals with marshmallows. the craziest cereal i was allowed was Trix. Trix was much better when i was colored balls, as opposed to the fruit shapes. the odd thing was, i was allowed to drink as much soda as i wanted.

we had a compost pile. im pretty sure my mom still does, and she has a nice garden with tomatoes, corn, plenty of herbs... she cans fruits. i was taught how to make jelly at a young age. im pretty sure my mom has made her own soap, lotion and cleaning products for years. she was featured in her local newspaper for organic cleaning methods. there is a story she wrote HERE and another story about her HERE.

maybe i should listen to my mom more.

caption

eating a popsicle

reading XSTUCKINTHEPASTX

listening to Copper

making sure everything in my iPod is in the right genre and making playlists

gonna go shopping for Dev's birthday

talking to Dan on AIM

bored.

thats all. bye.

Tiga appreciation

Tiga is great. i honestly dont know much about him, but his music has always made me wanna move. or dance. no homo.
he was, to me, one of the front runners in the electroclash scene, which for many years i (sometimes not so) secretly loved.

FPU- Ocean Drive featuring Tiga
this is one of my all time favorite songs. didnt realize the video was so homoerotic until today. i think the video has a couple glitches in it. get over it.



Tiga- Hot In Here
yes, its a Nelly cover. and its amazing.



Tiga- Sunglasses At night
another cover, of the Corey or Carey hart song. whatever. its a cool video.



Felix Da Housecat- madame hollywood (tiga's edit)
i like this version much better than the Miss Kitten version. the video isnt real but the song is there.

let the wind erase me

i realize that my posts yesterday were very erratic. i was very stressed out, mentally and physically.

id never been in a real car crash before. i guess i still havent, because my car was fine and there was no blood.

we watched all 4 seasons of Grey's Anatomy in the past month or so. i think that it kinda messed me up because every time the slightest thing is wrong with me, i think i need emergency surgery or my life is threatened by some terminal disease.

work has been challenging. i feel very unappreciated. i feel like my voice doesnt count, and people there dont really care about what i have to offer. well, a few do. maybe 20%.
ive been driving to the campus in Bell a couple times a week. Bell is like off the 710 near the 5, so south LA. it takes 45-60 min to get there. i dont mind the drive. i have been working on writing new cirriculum with Sarab. basically writing textbooks about hair cutting and hair coloring. talk about a mindfuck. we have been studying SO much about hair. trying to see different sides and take it to different levels. ive been reading a ton about color theory, customer service, chemistry.. my brain is over loaded.

oh yeah. the stereo in my car doesnt work. when dev rides in it, we have to just like talk and stuff. otherwise i listen to my ipod. which is awesome because my ipod ERASED itself. which i may or may not have mentioned.

i checked, and it was almost an entire month without posting. i feel that a lot has happened, but nothing is different really.

oh i was telling Erakuh this morning about how i used to put my arms through the holes in a plastic grocery bag, and run and jump and pretend it was a parachute. ive always been awesome.

listen

i recommend listening to these:

http://sharebee.com/ecade3e5
Jets To Brazil- japanese radio broadcast
its live, it sounds good. they play good songs.

http://www.zshare.net/download/5380789587876e69/
Mick Boogie - cornerstone mix tape #112
really good hiphop mix. has some real "bangers"

http://sharebee.com/e5d96aae
Dashboard Confessional- "the wire tapes vol1"
yeah. dashboard. gtfo. its all covers, all done really well.



ugg. im too tired to go on, or to explain how to unzip these files. its not as easy as it seems.

whatever. good night nurse.

understanding in a car crash

at 8:50 this morning i was in a hit-and-run collision on the 405 freeway north just south of Cherry Ave.
driving to work. traffic stopped.
guy behind me didnt.
pulled over. he got out, said
"please dont do this to me. its unsafe here, lets pull off the freeway"
i pulled off. he didnt.
no damage to my car. back sore, neck sore.
went to doctor. im fine. he said it was from stress or tension on my body. gave me anti-inflammatory and some muscle relaxer samples and sent me on my way.

picked up some pastries on the way home, popped some pills and lay in bed watching tv for the bulk of the day.

two days ago: ipod erased. again. gone. good thing i bought a computer last week. kinda sucks, but kinda dont mind starting from scratch. missing a few things though.

havent felt like writing, even though im able to now.

cant wait for this:


i wish there was a button on my keyboard that could automatically type a middle finger. it would make my life so much easier.

Modeling the fossil evidence

i seem to be thinking a lot lately about technology. about how..i dont wanna say addicted, but reliant on technology we are. how accessible it really is. about how at any given moment, i have 300 to 500 dollars worth of technology in my fucking pockets. technology that can access almost any information within seconds. i can touch a screen and get directions to your house, or how to make onion soup. i can see a picture of your house or shop for a book. all with the same ease.

whos to say who really controls this? who monitors it? can Google and Amazon and Myspace REALLY track everything?

and whats real and whats false? what is simulation? i havent studied much of postmodernism but i understand the fact that if you make a copy of a copy of a copy, the quality will eventually get worse. and i understand that images can be altered and the media really truly controls what we see.

in most cases, we have no choice. we either MUST or simply CHOOSE to accept "reality". i have always felt that morality is arbitrary, and now i feel that reality is arbitrary as well. just because I believe something, doesnt mean that YOU do. and im not talking about a system of beliefs, im talking actual EVENTS, such as dinosaurs and people landing on the moon. about the G-spot. about the third type of melanin. does it all exist simply because we BELIEVE in it?

there's glory in subversion
there's glory in destruction
fossils are an invention to serve the technophile
fossils are an invention to preserve the artificial lie
humanity is being coded
existence is uploaded
only simulation exists
to construct the fossil evidence
to preserve the artificial lie
to serve the technophile
they are modeling the fossil evidence
we are the tools of our tools
deconstruct the technophile
there's glory in subversion
there's glory in destruction
we are deconstructing the technophile.

Haus Des Weissen Mannes

Greeting and salutation to hearts which live illuminated by the light of love and are not led astray either by hopes of a heaven or by fear of a hell
~O.A. HANISH

subversion as tactical metaphor

the shape of fear

im afraid of lots of things.

sometimes i think too many things.

sometimes im so afraid of something that i get angry.

im afraid mostly of losing. not like how an athlete is afraid of losing a game, but like afraid of losing control. afraid of losing someone from my life. afraid of losing all that ive worked so hard for.

im afraid of losing my car keys.

today i started helping my company write a new manual for teaching teachers how to teach haircutting. we talked about the differences between convex and concave for at least 45 minutes. it took 6 hours to edit 4 pages. it made me very stressed out, almost shaking. its hard work.

im tired. everything hurts.

i been gone a long time

I haven't written in a while. On anything.

Life has been kinda hectic. Let's see if I can remember anything that's happened lately.

The state tracked me down on some back taxes I owed and put a garnishment on my wages. Came as a complete surprise, too. One day there was just money gone from my paycheck. Not a big surprise. Haven't been exactly dilligent on my taxes the past few years.

Been working on haircutting a lot. Trying to understand more about it. Working on some big things for my company. Should prove to be a giant step in my career if it goes well.

Whatever. Dunno what else to say. Weather is awesome today, cloudy and gray and coold and kinda windy. Most peoplele

astro zombies

mankind?

Things that are currently bothering me in life-

Fast food bacon
Fast food employees
Female voices
Not enough time to blog
My own procrastination
Lack of money
Greys anatomy, season 2, episode 26
4 year olds with pacifiers
My knees
Devin's singing
Broken trackball on sidekick

Things that I am currently enjoying in life-
Devin's singing
Texts from @jimsomers, no homo
Bands covering the beatles
Bands covering other bands in general
Greys anatomy
My new digital camera
Disneyland
Disembodied, the people and the music. Mostly the people though.
Having a desk and a scanner
Blogging
Making coffee in the morning but not realy drinking it
Erakuh

alexandre

"...have faith because there are many people in hairdressing who do not have either the talent or the faith. its faith and, above all, enriching oneself. i want young people to go to museums! they do not go to see exhibits, colors, or see styles. i have the impression that certain young people do not have faith and they become hairdressers without knowing the classics. their styles are done with awful things. hair must be pretty and wonderful. it must have a base. we need extraordinary people, people who are dedicated to their art and their craft."

"but if you do not know how to do a chignon, how to do a wave, how to color hair, how can you do anything? if you do not know about these basic things, you have failed as a hairstylist and do not have a chance of big success. you must take your work and build upon it. you train to make your own style and, in doing so, you must know everything."

never was

Did I already title a post that? Probably. Its a ringworm song. Its an amazing song.

Lawyers, in general, do not seem like "nice" people.

Sitting at the Lamareaux Justice Center in Orange, ca. Waiting for a court appointed mediation to happen. Trying to change custody stuff. That's all I can really say.

Finally hooked up the printer/scanner that Erakuh got for me. The quality isn't the best on some of the photos, but I'm stoked to finally be able to share some of them. I've had them just sitting in a box for years.

I made a huge mess around the new desk. Photos, flyers, papers strewn everywhere. It really blends in well with the fact that the kitchen ceiling is leaking from the shower pipe/drain upstairs. Like.. When devin and erakuh took showers I had to change the pot and watering can twice. Maybe we should have refrained from showering but... gotta stay clean right?

Read "do princesses wear hiking boots" to dev's class this morning. Stressful going in but I was a smashing success.

The trackball on my sidekick isn't scrolling down and its REALLY annoying, but obviously something like that can't stop me from blogging. Ftw.

get off the stage

Haven't written in a couple days. I guess that's what happens when you don't own a computer. Well.. Maybe if I had one I wouldn't have the time anyway.

When it was announced that NO FOR AN ANSWER, Blackspot, and CHORUS were playing Chain Reaction, I was stoked. When it came time for it, I didn't care and the thought of putting my new desk together seemed more appealing.

As Mark said "it was a total let down"

I haven't gotten tickets to see Unbroken and Undertow at the Glasshouse, may 9th. Ten years ago, I would have shit my pants twice, trained by moshing in front of the mirror, possibly ironed a bandana and been up front for every song of every band.

Priorities change. Maybe that's why so many people right now have taken an interest in preserving the past and memory of hardcore. It REALLY WAS BETTER "BACK IN THE DAY". I'm sorry, its true.

Anyway, I'm gonna finish my ultimate cheeseburger and go back to work.

confession

I'm bored. Like, looking for stuff to clean bored.

Got another remixed Disembodied song last night. A cleaned up version of "Confession" off of the Confession 7". When Joel sent it to me, it just said "track 1 rough" but as soon as I put it in iTunes, it said Confession.

Pressed play and the same snare fill came on, but slower, and the vocals had a weird effect on it. I had to ask Joel if it was a different version, and he said no. It took me a couple times to get into it, and I was afraid that I offended Joel with my reaction.

I threw it on my iPod and blasted it in my car this morning. HOLY FUCK. You hear a song for years, on vinyl, then on cd, and then someone "cleans it up" and totally changes the dynamic. Sometimes for the good, sometimes it hurts the original song.

In this case it made the song undenaibly better. The break where the guitars cut out, where its just the drums and Tara's distorted bass sounds amazing, and I don't remember any vocals on that part at all, but apparently there were some there and they add a whole new element.

The completion of this product is drawing near, and I get more anxious and excited every day. I might cry when I get the finished record in my hand, knowing that I had a part in bringing it together.

eulogy

I pretty much just had 4 days off work. Sunday off, monday 4 hours at commissary, tuesday home with a sick kid, wednesday took the day off for birthday.

Today, back to reality. And the reality isn't pretty.

So goodbye to blue skies over Disneyland. Goodbye to quiet mornings. Goodbye to sushi boats and waffle cones filled with cookie batter ice cream.

If every day was like yesterday, I would never ever be in a bad mood.

My fiction beats the hell out of my truth.

a nice day for a sulk

I used to hate my birthday.

Maybe its because when I was 8, the wind blew my birthday away.

Maybe its because when I was 18, my grandma, neighbor, and history teacher all died the month before.

Maybe its because when I was 21, I had a 104 degree fever.

The last two years have been good.

Spent my 30th at the Cashbah with Mark, Travand Jadlish, drinking PBR and watching Sweet and Tender Hooligans.
Last year, Erick came down and we raged for 3 days, including the only time Disembodied and Moz were spun in the same set at Avalon.

This year, Dev drew me an awesome pic that Erakuh framed. Eri gave me some awesome shirts and a sweeeeeet digital camera. My mom is giving me a desk. And we are goin to Disneyland.

As of right now I don't mind growing older. 29 was way worse than 30 because of the impending doom I felt growing over me. But when 30 hit, it wasn't that bad.

Now lets see what happens when 35 comes.

its complicated being a wizard

the new calvin klein ads sport a dude with surprisingly white hair. im impressed. that tone is not so easy to achieve.

been thinking a lot about hair lately. about how to make money. i am good at what i do, that is cutting and sometimes coloring hair. im not amazing, but i know what im doing and given the chance i could pull some pretty cool stuff out of my ass. i have studied a lot about it, have learned from some of the best in the world, and think my time to "break out" might be approaching. ive taken steps in the right direction recently, and i think leaving all the hot-shot, egocentric, thrill seeking days behind me has helped.

i have but one motivation to succed now: family.

i want to provide for my family, and for my family to come. i want to not have to call my mom and say "hey i need 100 bucks to pay my phone bill" or "hey can you buy me some plane tickets to chicago to see disembodied?"

tomorrow i will be 32. its time i blazed my own trail.

my grandma said it took her 80 years to be happy with her life. i dont have that kind of time. im not impatient, but i gotta start making things work. asafp.

fuck this shit

THIS is why i hate the world

things done changed

can we start again

There is a belief that it's difficult to get rid of rats because they're smart. Some say that if you try to hit a rat and it manages to escape, rest assured that it will seek revenge – the offended rat will chew on your favorite shirt!

that was taken from Be@rbrick love, one of my new favorite blogs. check it in my new LINK section...

changing the layout of my blog. i guess out of no reason other than boredom and need for change. like the quote above says, the rat is hard to get rid of. some of the problems and challenges that ive been having since last year and even before that have proven to be hard to get rid of.

two of my biggest downfalls are self-confidence (or lack thereof) and anger. they have gotten better over times, but anyone who knows me as "the meanest guy in orange county" or "that asshole from the mistake" would tell you that its quite obvious that i have suffered from both for many many years.

one of the problems with changing is that we dont know that we need to change something until it is too late, or almost too late, and we've hurt somebody or lost somebody.

one of the other changes im making is changing what i collect. from one kind of vinyl to another.

styrofoam death machine

Eating at jack in the box. Going back to an old favorite, the ultimate cheeseburger. I've been eating less meat. I acutally hardly eat any at all. And as with cigarettes last year, cutting them out of my diet only makes them taste worse and makes me feel worse when I do eat it.

Sometimes I get the urge to light up, especially when I take out the trash for some reason. Maybe its cause when I was living in Santa Ana, I'd only smoke at night and use taking out the trash as a reason/excuse to go outside.

There are three other men eating solo here, and we are all facing the same direction.

Twitter is a national craze now, being talked about all over the media. If I were in a band, I think Twitter would be one of the best marketing tools, provided that all of their "fans" had access to mobile internet. If I were an artist, dj, or anything like that where getting people to come see you can be like pulling teether, it would also help.

Not everybody Twits about shitting and going to Target.

Speaking of Target, I tried to find the new Morrissey cd there, and it was sold out. I did get Erakuh the new New Found Glory, which came with a Target exclusive shirt. That's one of the weird/ interesting things about Target and Best Buy now... they always have exclusive tracks or packaging or bonus discs. For completist fucks like me, this is a blessing and a curse.

I really want to listen to Bob Segar right now for some reason.

the art

Paint me a pretty picture
make sure it's black and white
the colors would hurt my eyes
no imperfections or I'll cut them out
paint me a pretty picture
I painted over all my others in red


ive been studying a lot about color. about melanin, pigment, and color theory. why? just to know. i have this weird thirst for knowledge about it.

today, i read something that blew my mind. occasionally that happens in my field of work. DJ Muldoon blew my mind with his theories about haircutting. Robert Cromeans blew my mind with his theories about the industry.

today i read that the primary colors are not red, blue, and yellow. they are actually MAGENTA, CYAN, and YELLOW. mixing all three together makes black.

i also read that colors that i THOUGHT were tertiary, such as blue-green, red-orage, etc... are NOT tertiary but secondary. tertiary colors are apparently made by mixing three primary colors in varying ratios, which actually make browns and grays.

will i teach this to my students? no.

its funny too because this morning for a bit i was listening to Ravindra Svarupa Dasa speak (it randomly came on my ipod thanks to Shelter). he was talking about scientific theories, and about how we all think a certain way, until we learn SOMETHING NEW. then all of the sudden, the way before becomes "well, before we thought THIS, but now we know THIS"

maybe the universe is trying to tell me to question everything. to seek knowledge.

or maybe im just not as smart as i thought.

ill just fall

last night i fell down. i turned on the stairway and the carpet was slippery against my clean feel, and i slid down and landed pretty much on my ass.

my back hasnt really felt right since.

i have a long history of falling, most notably memorialized in the Mistake song "why does the ground hate my face?"

it goes back even further, though. i fell off my skateboard the first day of summer going into sophomore year, and as a result the doctor found i had scoliosis.

basically, im a mess. im pretty clumsy. i have cuts all over the back of my hand right now, including one that will be a pretty scar. no fucking clue how i got any of them.

makes things interesting i suppose, and im almost used to it by now.

something wicked

working at commissary. ive got to pee real bad. listening to isis and bloodlet.

did some hair yesterday (not for compensation ;)) and then went to California adventure for like an hour. drove the 11 minutes to Sonic on the other side of Anaheim just to get an ocean water. so fucking good.

i feel like i had more to write about, but its escaping me now.

oh, was awoken at 4:10am on saturday morning to Dev pounding on the door. she informed me that the tooth that we had tried to remove some 8 hours prior had come out. i didnt have any cash, so i told her to go back to bed and that we'd put her tooth under the pillow on monday night, cause the tooth fairy had the weekend off. quick thinking.

kill an addict

You've made excuses for the fucked up things you've done
But everyones heard them before
Your lying and stealing to feed your addiction
Won't be tolerated any more

I tried to help you
,but you spit in my face
So now you're on your own
I see your life slipping away
You brought it on yourself
Go
Those I've hated are the ones I've held so close
And those who use betrayal will be the ones
The ones who suffer the most

-Hatebreed

back to the old house, part 2

I've been remembering more about my family.

I remember going back to Yuma quite frequently between the ages of 8 and 12. I usually spent time with my (great) aunt and (great) uncle, Josephine and Ron. Josie went by the name Cheppie. They were not only my dad's aunt and her husband, but my god parents. They couldn't have kids of their own so they took very good care of neices and nephews. They had a large house, like 3 or 4 bedrooms, and a revolving cast of young people came and went. My uncle Stevie was among them. He was like 21 when I was young, and was a wild reckless bachelor. He once got detained in mexico for weeks. We thought he'd just disappeared or worse, and one day just returned with a tale of corrupt mexican cops holding him for flipping his truck.

I called Ron and Cheppie Nini and Nono. I know, sounds super mexican. But that side of the family had all married mexicans, so that's what I grew up around. And everyone had Nana and Nini and Tata and weird names like Linca and Lupe and Hender. Anyway, Nini and Nono had a huge yard with goats and a german shepard named Basha and a boat and a satelite for the tv and basically all this cool stuff that I didn't. Of course I'd love to spend the summer or xmas with my rich, childless relatives who loved me dearly.

Now, in the summer, Yuma gets above 120 degrees. Its hot as fuck. Return Of the Jedi was filmed nearby. There were cactus and gila monsters and well, it was the desert. During the day they'd go to work, and my aunt would come visit for lunch. When she got off, we'd go to the video store and rent 3 movies, which I'd watch the next day. On the weekends we'd go to the river or lake and fish and swim. I learned how to drive and dock and launch a boat at an early age (my moms family had boats as well). There were a few other neighborhood kids I ran with as well.

Toby lived next door. He was the all american golden boy type. Copey lived across the street, and he was a real nutjob. His sister was like a valley girl and very flirtatious. J.R. lived at the end of the block, was the richest and was very proficient with a bow and arrow. All of the kids on the block had hunting weapons of some sort, bb guns/ pellet guns, bows, etc. And we would regularly go out on the block in the early morning hours and hunt birds.

As I grew older, my frequency in visiting dwindled. I think the last time I was there to visit was maybe 8th grade. I had a picture for a long time of my dad and I in my Nini's yard, with her dog, me wearing a Genesis "susudio tour" shirt. Writing this makes me want to write to them, telling them about my life.

I've never been good at communicating with my non-immediate family. While I talk to my mom 2-5 times per week, I talk to my grandma 2-5 times per year, and the rest less than that. Maybe I should work on that.

we dont have to worry anymore

at commissary, listening to the Exploding Hearts

i picked up on this band really late, but i fell in love quickly. Jerry had told me for a long time that id love it, and im sure other people over the years had too, but im soooo closed minded when it comes to new bands that i didng pay attention.

i think i like SHATTERED more than GUITAR ROMANTIC. i dunno why. maybe cause the sound is more raw, or maybe i just like the tracks better.

if you dont know anything about this band, they were a "power-pop" band from Oregon, and driving home from a show three of the members died. crazy.

heres a video from the enhanced cd




in other news, my hands are cold and im hungry.

my 32nd birthday is coming up. going to Disneyland on my birthday. dont know what else. maybe vegas? maybe seaworld? meh. going to Chicago in April, maybe thats good enough.

by the way, i have the best parents ever.

lifes blood

listening to a cassette of 18 Visions, live at the Showcase Theater from 1998.
the past couple days ive been listening to these live tapes i have. its weird that 10 years later i still have all these awesome memories. i do miss it. i wont lie. they were fun times, and i wish that id taken greater care to preserve the memories. its very blurry.
justin over at XstuckinthepastX is gonna take some of my old cassettes and put them onto his computer so that he can post them on his blog for the world to hear. i think its awesome that there are so many blogs and people doing their part to preserve a piece of (hardcore) history. i wouldnt even call it about a "revival". like i was telling AJ, its more of people who were there, and have all these good memories just not letting them go to waste.

anyway, i gotta go. just got an email of something amazing, and it made my day better.

thanks tara for allowing me to be ultimate fanboy

death is not an option

Eating at jack in the box. Weird, huh?

Ordered the homestyle ranch chicken with no tomatos. Guess what was on my sandwich?

Last night went to Alejandros and asked for 3 taquitos with CHEESE ONLY. Apparently, cheese sounded like GUACAMOLE to the asshole in the drivethrough. I don't know why I thought it would be ok to drive away without checking.

My point here is, when I ask for something to be a certain way, that's what I expect.

yesterday I did something I should have done years ago. It was hard, stressful, and rewarding ultimately because I have the satisfaction of knowing I did it all by myself. I can't really go into further detail in a public forum.

I wish I could update this every single day, but sometimes I just can't. So sorry, Tara... you'll just have to get your fix of me through twitter.

americans abroad

At Two Brothers pizza in Fountain Valley. Oddly enough, my work which is DIRECTLY across the street, is in Huntington Beach.

Its kind of like what I'm watching on tv right now.. Obama and the Canadian Prime Minister discussing how our economies are closely related. I had no idea that Canada is our largest supplier of oil.

I love the way they say ABOAT. Its funny to me

I'm still not convinced that Obama is our only hope, that he's going to make everything better. Only 60% of america believes that he is doing a good job. That's crazy.

I love pizza.

common people

I remember the first time I heard the song "common people" by Pulp.

The year was 1998. This girl named Lindsay took me to a club, I think it was caled Blue, on Santa Monica. It was at a decent sized bar, packed with mod-types and just generally cool looking people.

This song started playing, and I noticed a boy standing on a box/ stage, singing every word to the crowd. That image will be forever burned into my mind.

The song is such a good story of what its like to be young, dumb and full of cum. Jarvis Cocker is an amazing story teller. The song "mile end" is a good story too.

Pulp is in my top 5 bands that I never got to see but wanted to. I highly recommend checking out the Hits album if you've never heard them.

william, it was really nothing

I don't understand this weather. Fucking freezing and pouring, two hours later clear and sunny. Bullshit.

Sitting at Jack in the Box, as usual. I've been stepping out of the box and ordering something different every time I come now. Today it was the sourdough jack. Not bad at all. There's an older guy sitting in the corner talking to himself. That always freaks me out. N*sync is on the radio right now. I gotta get outta here before "dirty pop" gets stuck in my head.

My meat consumption has been cut considerably. I don't miss it.

Finalized booking tickets to Chicago. Mind bottling.

Back to work. Kinda over it today, oddly enough. Ug. I just wanna crawl back into bed and watch Desperate Housewives. Sunday we left the bed for only 4 hours, 2 of those hours to watch CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC, which was amazing btw. Is it 5 yet?

back to the old house, part one

ive decided to start writing about my past. i dont know why. maybe just to get random memories out.
i will write it in parts, or sections of my life. the first section will be the beginning of my life.

i was born March 18th, 1977 in Yuma, Arizona. My mom was born in Texas and grew up in Farmington, New Mexico. how she came to Yuma i do not know. My father was born in Yuma.
his name is Hacksaw.
his real name is Manuel, but most people dont know his real name. he was the middle child of 13 or 14. his father was a Creek Indian, and his mother a Yaqui Indian. Yaqui is a tribe indigenous to Mexico, so when i saw im not mexican i guess thats a part lie.
My mom is white. like, really white. like... comes from a family named Smith from England, white.
my parents divorced when i was 2, and mom eventually met Thomas. they married when i was 4 at the courthouse, me being one of the witnesses.
we did quite a bit of moving around. i think we lived in 4 different cities betweeen my 4th and 6th birthdays. i think we lived in a place called Wickenburg, AZ. we lived in Visalia for a bit too. thats where my parents live now, and its where Thomas grew up.
ive told my earliest memories to my mom and she said i was between the ages of 2 and 4 when they happened. i remember living in an apartment next to two dudes, and one of them gave me a large Hulk action figure.
i remember there being an earthquake once, and my mom told me it was a dragon.
i remember Thomas coming home on one rainy night and standing in the doorway and lightening flash behind him, being scared to death.
i remember my mom sitting on the bed next to me, playing guitar and singing "puff the magic dragon to try and get me to sleep.
i remember sitting at the dinner table til i fell asleep because i wouldnt eat my meatloaf.

shortly before my 6th birthday we moved to Albuquerque, NM. my mom was pregnant with my brother, and we moved there to be closer to my grandma.
so much closer, in fact, that we all moved into her 1 bedroom house. my grandma and her 2nd husband, Bill, had just moved into an amazing house in the southwest valley of Albuquerque that sat on 1/2 an acre. it was a wonderland.
so i slept on a cot for a while, while my parents got their living situation down.
im not sure what order the new house and my new brother arrived in.
the new house was on a mostly dirt, dead end road about 2 miles from my grandma, and about a mile from the bridge over the Rio Grande that divides Albuquerque. the house was also a 1 bedroom. my bed and toychest were the only things that survived the move, and they were placed in the living room, while my parents and brother took the bedroom. eventually a living room was added on the back of the house and my brother and i took the bedroom, the old living room being converted into a bedroom. i could crawl through the former window to the outside world to get into my living room, which i usually did early saturday mornings to watch cartoons.
my brother's entrance into this world was a rough one.
an injury during birth caused Cerebral Palsy. Thomas Jeffery, or TJ was brought into the world in 1982. his coming changed and shaped my family in many ways. growing up with a developmentally disabled sibling is a trying experience. but it is one that gave my mother great strength and gave me great understanding and compassion towards people who are "different"
i attended a private school from kindergarten to 8th grade. and not a religious, uniform wearing private school. it was more of an academic, "progressive" school. Manzano Day School held me from k-5th. the classes were small and advanced.
in 6th grade i moved up to the Albuquerque Academy. it was 45 minutes away from my house, and i think about 5,000 dollars per year to go to. i had to get good grades to maintain a scholarship, much like a college. the Academy was a crazy world. we were smart. they were rich. the classes were challenging and engaging. in 7th grade, my classes included advanced spanish 3, geometry and Native American Studies. for my history class in 8th grade we had to study an ancient civilization, create artifacts, bury them, and the other classes dug up our civilization in a mock archeology dig to study us. the school owned a ranch in northern New Mexico that we made trips to periodically. i worked on a goat farm once for 3 days.
8th grade is a very important year, socially. i was just growing into my own, being the "poor" kid from the other side of town, but being invited to the "cool" parties and finally getting attention from girls.
then, my mom told me that we were moving to California because she got a new job.

thats where ill start next.

hearts

I love love. I love the feeling of loving.

Most people wouldn't expect that from me. Everyone thinks I'm this terrible monster, an asshole, a grinch. And maybe its my fualt for projecting that, or actually living it for a long time.

If you label someone something for long enough, that's all they will ever be to you.

I want an Ozzie and Harriet life. I want a white picket fence and a dog. Always have.

The sad reality is that most people, especially people younger than me, have already given up. They don't believe in love. They don't believe that it can change your life. Or at least they won't let it.

I'm not giving up. I hope I never do. No matter how many of my dreams get fucking smashed into oblivian, or how many times I let myself get walked on, I won't give up on love.

Sure, I may have grown to be more cautious, more paranoid and more eager. But I'm still trying.

everything's just wonderful

I've been eating jack in the box a little too frequently.

I try to only buy items that are on sale or discounted with the club card.

I've been drinking a lot of coke, not enough water.

I fell in love again with popsicles.

Still listening to 5 YEAR WINTER every morning on the way to school.

Been giving Devin dollars to buy smencils. A smencil is a pencil that smells good. Each one costs one dollar, and her school keeps the money. The school wins, devin wins, I win.

Sometimes I wish I was a girl so that Fiona Apple and Lily Allen songs could mean more to me.

Polaroid film is becomind increasingly harder to find. Target has not had it the past two times I've been. Scary.

Valentines day is rapidly approaching and I'm glad I have a valentine. She's awesome, for real. Now.. If only I hadn't waited so long to make plans... fuck

this modern love

I love Bloc Party. I just listened to 80 songs. Well.. Some I skipped through but I went through them all. You know what? They have better b-sides than most band's albums.
I saw the first show of Bloc Party's first U.s. Tour. I was there.

I'm sitting at the Mission Viejo mall while Dev devours McDonalds. Yeah I let my kid eat there. My mom let me eat there and look how I fuckin turned out.
I love commerce. I love malls. I love supermarkets. Do I love spending money? Not necessarily. I'm a window shopper. A browser. I suck.

My ipod keeps randomly turning off. Shitty.

Its cold outside. I mean... its not MINNESOTA cold or anything, but for Orange County its cold. Almost too cold.

Finished Brothers & Sisters season two. On to Desperate Housewives season 3.

destroy. erase. improve.

i cannot put into words how frustrated i am at this moment in time.

nothing i am trying to do is working.

fuck your PDF files
fuck my procrastination
fuck sneezing
fuck how cold it is in this room
fuck Martyr AD for not being a band anymore
fuck not being able to control a certain situation
fuck their mind control
fuck your inability to stabilize
fuck my bank account
fuck everyone and everything

its been a long time since i have felt like this, and that feels good to think about. ive grown so much in the past year, probably more than in the 5 years previous in a lot of ways. i still am lacking certain things, but it feels good to be on the right track.

comabox

"A nation of sheep, awake but asleep..."

I like to eat out. At nice restaurants. Well... not like 4 star establishments necessarily, but like Benihana, PF Changs, California Pizza Kitchen, etc. I like to be served. I like someone refilling my fucking water and washing the dishes for me. Ill pay the fucking 40 dollars or whatever so we can enjoy a nice meal once a week or so.

But that's not what I'm writing about today.

Twice this month I've noticed something. At Benihana I saw two kids watching a fucking portable dvd player at the table. Tonight at El Torito Grille, I observed three kids sitting at a table, al playing Nintendo DS.

Now, in my day, we had to sit there and be good. We didn't have an electronic babysitter. And being the parent of a 6 year old, I now know how it feels to be responsible for someone fidgeting around. I have to tell her to sit still, not talk with her mouth full, etc. I wonder if that's what my parents went through, and if they had had a little handheld device to occupy my time that they would employ such measures.

By the way, I hate cilantro. Fucking despise it. Seriously. And El Torito had a little too much cilantro in site for my liking.

I love the rain. Sleeping with the sliding glass door open just to hear it. Love walking outside to smell it. Looking out the window to watch it. Just don't like the driving.

anywhere with you

I'm eating lunch at jack in the box. Seven minutes left on my lunch break.

I have nothing important or profound to say. No pearls of wisdom. No revelations.

I'm still listening to the same fucking songs.

I'm still ill.

I miss erick pressman. I miss a lot of people.
I wish me, erick and eric markley could just live in the same fucking city already. Fuck you dudes for living so far away.

I need a phone with a camera. Someone get me one for my birthday.

Ok. Three minutes left. Gotta go.

"And at the bottom it says thank you, and you can tell them to fuck off"

eucharist

im not the most political person, and i would never put up a front to make myself appear to be so. i dont even know what our vice president looks like.

ive been reading this morning about some bishop that the pope wants to lift the excommunication of. this bishop has DENIED THAT THE HOLOCAUST HAPPENED. like.. really? this still happens in this day and age? fuck.

im sick. i think i picked something up in vegas. i just dont feel good and the dayquil i took this morning is making me dizzy.

i feel like i could just throw motherfuckers through windows right now.

kthnxbai

hella vegas kids say hella

last week was erakuhs birthday and i wanted to do something fun, besides you know going to disneyland and benihana, which we do a lot .

thought about going to vegas, so saturday i checked rates and found a good rate at Mandalay Bay, which i love to stay at.

worked all day saturday, and hadnt slept very well friday night so i was already tired.

packed hastily and made it on the road around 9pm.
checked in around 2:30.
went to sleep around 6, woke up at 930.
got ready, checked out, and headed over to the Mirage because i read that the buffet had 3 stars.

im a big fan of buffets. i love the selection and value.
i wouldnt have given it 3 stars, but the apple gelato was something new to me and i loved it.

cruised around, shopped, and hit the road on the way back around 7. the drive home was slightly painful due to lack of sleep and belly full of 25 different kinds of food and 17 different kids of Coke.

woke up today and came to work at Commissary. just found out its Groundhog's Day, and Phil saw his shadow.

forget me

im a very forgetful person.

i forget birthdays.

i forget to eat.

i forget to do laundry.

i forget to turn into my driveway.

i forget people entirely.

i forget about bands i love.

i forget things on my shopping list.

i forget to call my mom.

im really good at remembering numbers though. phone numbers, social security, drivers license... stuff like that.

im also surprised that i have any room at all in my head with all of the lyrics in there.

yesterday, i REALLY wanted to blog about something. but, i forgot, and its gone now.

like O, like H

Sitting in the "teacher's lounge". Basically it used to be a storage room and a couple of the teachers moved a bunch of shit around and put in a table and a tv. A little tv. Like a 4 inch screen, black and white, with a dial to change channels.

Currently watching "the people's court". This judge is stupid.

This morning I was talking about how I seriously listen to the same songs every time I get in my car. Ill put it on a playlist, choose a song, and see if it goes to songs I like (which it usually doesn't). In no order, the songs I'm playing most currently are-

Tegan and Sara- I know I know I know
Zao- 5 year winter
American Nightmare- hearts, am/pm, dead and gone
Reign Supreme- I stand defiant, Iscariot
Panic at the disco- mad as rabbits

Trying to go to vegas this weekend. We shall see.

welcome to the tragic kingdom

went to disneyland yesterday, for the 4th time in 2009.

ill spare the entire story, but it involves Erakuh losing her iphone within an hour of us being there.

oh, and it was her birthday.

i love disneyland, but it seems like everytime we go, SOMETHING bad happens.

oh well. ill still go.

my name is strange

i just tried to google image search every possible form of my name i could think of, and didnt find one picture of myself.

sure, theres plenty of pictures of 18 visions, Bleeding Through, and even some of Poison The Well. but was MY face anywhere to be seen? no.

like Sage Francis says, "my name is strange"

i dunno. today has been pretty boring. working at Commissary. just kinda standing around. nobody came in for the first three hours i was here. ive been looking at websites, drinking coke, and listening to ISIS, His Hero Is Gone, Graf Orlock and Bloodlet at annoying levels. no wonder nobody buys anything when i work.

researching rates/ prices for our trip to Chicago for the Burning Fight show. the hotel will be more expensive than i thought, but it will be worth it. gonna try and see Oprah too.

i wanna go home.

that aint elvis playin piano

Even though I've been playing music since I was in 3rd grade, I would by no means label myself a "musician". I can read sheet music, but shakily now and only for paino.

I've never had one guitar lesson, and while I can play a few "real" chords I can only name one.

I played clarinet in 7th grade. I was pretty good too.

I haven't touched my Gibson since I moved into this house.

Anyway... I finished watching the ZAO dvd today. Only took me a week to finish disc one. I mean.. It clocks in at a mere 3 and a half hours, and I totally have free time to sit and watch that. I kinda just put it on while I was washing dishes, putting away groceries, etc. It was really interesting and kind of rekindled my love for that band.

"Where blood and fire bring rest" was the first record from them I really paid attention to. I guess it was 98 or 99, and I was in the midst of the anti-Christian hardcore movement that had begun some 5 years earlier (ill save that for another blog). But this record came out and I was loving it.

"Liberate te ex infernus" came out and the only thing I really remembered was hand claps, Jesse Smith's makeup, and awesomeness. But I never really pledged myself to them because of their stance on religion.

Didn't pay attention to anything else until I heard "the rising end (the first prophecy)". That is such an amazing song, seriously.

I think I only saw them two or three times. In retrospect, I wish I would have been more into them when they were around. But I still love listening to it.

On a side note, there have now been two songs that turn my ipod off EVERY time I try and listen to them.

The first is "the boy who blocked his own shot" by BRAND NEW. But its the "live from VW Green Room" version I downloaded from www.bsidesrus.blogspot.com and ps that is an amazing download. But, trying to play it actually wiped my ipod clean, scaring the shit out of me. I plugged it into Erakuh's computer and everything came back up, but it was a stressful time.

The second I stole from Niall's laptop, and its from some Zao demos and miscelaneous stuff. The track just says "interview with jesse" and succeeded in turning my ipod off twice.

Daniel has been asking me for months to sing for his project, and today I said "I want to be in a band that sounds like Zao", and I meant it.

guitared and feathered

it wasnt the fact that i was drinking beer out of a red cup.

it wasnt the fact that people kept touching me and stepping on my foot.

it wasnt the fact that i had to introduce myself as "Hans" because i know that drunk people dont understand "jav" and i didnt feel like saying "javier".

it wasnt the guy wearing camo pants who said "you guys are stupid".

it wasnt jesse's brother giving me a hug and then five minutes later walked through the room wearing a Steelers jersey, carrying a bottle of Absolute that looked like a disco ball and a pair of womens boots

i think what really made the night awesome was the 16 year old boy singing Coheed and Cambria to me, and all of us laughing at the fact that was indeed old enough to be his father.

destroy everything you touch

my knees hurt.

this is nothing new. my knees have hurt for over half my life now.

when i was about 8, i started playing soccer. AYSO. i sucked. i was always the worst or just about the worst player on the field. but it didnt stop me. i loved playing, i loved and still love the smell of grass.

then, in 7th? grade, i had an injury that sidelined me forever. the details are hazy, but all i know is that i had a cracked kneecap and torn ligaments/ tendons. i was in one of those braces with hinges and such for months. i dont think i ever fully recovered.

so now, my knee tends to hurt randomly, especially when it rains.

could be worse, i could be this guy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNlxH0YiAAA

no allegiance

My last drink of alcohol was april, 2008. Either the 19th or 20th. At showcase, with Manny, in someones jeep. It was miller high life.

Then this weekend, I had a Benihana punch (on friday I think) and three beers on sunday.

Why? Why not.

Ps, I did go to Benihana twice this weekend. Expensive but worth every penny.

the data body

Yesterday, after a particularly rough day at the office, I came home and went to turn on the computer.... But wait, let me backtrack.

I have only ever owned one computer, in about 1999. It was a machine that my mom had built, it was old and shitty and we had dial up modem. It broke after a while. I don't even remember what happened to it.

A couple weeks ago, I got two computers in one week. My mom gave me her old one and Josh Highland gave me his brother's old one. The one my mom gave me apparently had some weird boot error (whatever that means) but had a good monitor and keyboard. Josh's had a huge old monitor and a plain keyboard, so I decided to use Josh's base with everything else from my mom.

I started downloading lots of songs off of www.bsidesrus.blogspot.com and began making the holy mother of all mixes for Erakuh. I got some REALLY good stuff. I didn't really get to do much else because we don't have a desk and sitting on the floor is not comfortable when working on a computer.

So last nigt I came home and went to turn the computer on, to finish the mix and burn the cd. I even got really cool paper from the scrapbook store to make a cover for it. I pushed the button and heard a really loud POP like one of those things like looks like a sperm that you throw at the ground, and the computer ceased to be on. Unplugged it from the power strip and straight into the wall.

Push the button.. Wait for it... POP accompanied by a faint smell of smoke.

Do I give up? No. I put a new power cable in, plug it into the wall and push the button.

This time, it sounded like a brick of black cats going off, with visible sparks coming out of the back of the machine. Toast.

Josh said the hard drive is most likely unaffected, but I can't switch the stuff into my moms computer by myself. I tried to turn my moms computer on this morning, and of course I didn't have the password for windows.

So I never got to make the mother of all mix cds, which took me a week to compile.

This, coupled with the new version of Notpop's inablility to properly load on my sidekick, has made for a boring week in cyberspace for me.

I did encounter a cool blog though. I think its called FUTUREGIRL dot com or something. Its all about crafts.

It reminds me of the line from CREATION IS CRUCIFIXION... "technology is our iron lung". Those dudes were so ahead of their time. Amazing music, amazing lyrics... such a good band.

One time when they were out here on tour, they ended up at my house on the afternoon before their show. I couldn't tell you how this came about, since I think I may have only had contact with one member previous to this. Maybe its because we had mutual friends in RACE TRAITOR. Anyway... they came in my house and immediately found the nearest phone connection to do something or other on the internet. Ill never forget the site of the band all huddled around a laptop, using words I'd never heard before and adjusting their glasses and other nerdy-type behaviors.

Paul N., the guitar player was a super nice guy and I stayed in contact with him on and off throughout the years. Scott went on to be the steadiest guitar player of ZAO. I wish the band continued to make music.

The Luddites were right
I'm a machine
I am not alive

solar powered sun destroyer

I hate people who don't know how to use a thermostat. If its too cold, put on a jacket, don't blast everyone else out with the heater. Its a room full of people, and we all know that with that many women in a room, the amount of hot air that escapes their lungs from talking is enough to melt a village of igloos.

I wish I could have my ipod on at all times, or at least have a soundtrack playing in the backgroud. Maybe even one only I could hear. Oh, wait... that already happens.

I'm eating jack in the box for the second day in a row. There are plenty of options around my work, but getting a burger, 2 tacos, fries and a drink for 5.34? Amazing. Plus, Paula Abdul's "forever your girl" is playing. Priceless.

leave me alone

I am at work, and sitting down. But not on a dryer this time. I'm sitting on the toilet, going to the bathroom. I love that I can blog, post, read or do anything basically electronically now. I don't have to read a magazine, or when one is not available, the back of a shampoo bottle.

Bathrooms are strange places. I've been in some seriously sketchy bathrooms. Its horrible when you REALLY have to go and the bathroom is disgusting. Its so stressful to me. Or when the pisser is just a long trough with nothing separating you from the fella next to you.

Bathroom time is quiet time for me. Nobody else is around. I hate being bothered when I'm in the bathroom. The downstairs bathroom at home is the first place I visit in the morning.

Ps, I hate when bathrooms don't have exhaust fans. Should be mandatory.

I could go on and on, but I have to wipe now.

lazy sunbathers

I try to title each of my blog posts with a song title. Got the idea from One Tree Hill. Each of their episodes was the name of a song.

Its unseasonably warm today. Heard its 87. I don't like that its that warm in january... but I shouldn't complain because Tara said she's sitting in a blizzard in 30 below. That's too cold. I think I'd die.

I asked Robbie how much it would take for him to kill someone. He said he "prolly couldn't do it". I think I could kill a random person for 100,000. That's enough for a down payment on a house.

I do enjoy sitting on dryers. Like the kind you dry your clothes in. Its warm, rhythmic an comfortable. There's one at work that I chill on frequently.

Dan asked if I wanted to sing on some music he's making. "American Nightmare-ish" he says. Anyone who's been following my blogs knows that I love that band. I don't really have time but I'm willing to give it a shot. Been a while since I went in the studio.

I haven't been sleeping well.
My stomach has been upset a lot.
I keep bumping into things, which makes me super angry.
I want to cook in my wok.
I want to watch superbad in my pajamas and download alkaline trio b-sides all day.